I might even venture to say it will change his life forever.
For 27 years, he has had one fear.
A fear that constantly ruins his days.
Sometimes it even controls his life.
It is the fear of public pooping.
We'll call it FOPP for short.
If the urge hits him when he's out in public,
he fights it.
Instead of using the convenient bathrooms that are located in public places,
he chooses pain.
Beads of sweat run down his head,
he releases gases that would have killed Goliath,
and he turns into the most hateful person on earth.
All. Because. He. Refuses. To. Poop.
So I am constantly giving him the Carpe Diem Poop Talk.
It goes something like this:
Tyler, why torture yourself? What do you think public bathrooms are for? I used to have FOPP too, but one day I was like, what the heck, it always smells like poop in there anyway....I might as well go for it. And you know what? It was glorious. Just make a huge nest and seize the day babe. SEIZE THE DAY!
If that speech isn't convincing, I don't know what is....
but it never worked.
Today I had a few OB appointments.
The first one was at 10am. We live 2 hours away, so we had to leave at 745.
15 minutes into the trip he said,
oh no....I have to do-do....today's gonna be a long day.
I just shook my head and laughed.
Soon it was 11 oclock. And he was crop dusting me like no body's business.
(crop dusting: verb. The act of briskly walking in-front of someone while letting farts slip out the butt.)
He was right.
It WAS going to be a long day.
At 4 oclock, my appointments were finally finished.
And my husband was still full of do-do.
Not only was he still crop dusting me,
but the sweating and hatefulness had begun.
I was starving. So we went to a buffet. And he added 3 more plates of food to his intestines.
I was sure he was going to die.
We headed home around 5 oclock.
We stopped to fill up the car at 530.
I went into the gas station to pee.
When I came out, I found my car....but my husband was MIA...and the car doors were locked.
I walked back in,
and to my surprise, he was walking out of the bathroom.
We made eye contact.
He had a big grin on his face and gave 2 thumbs up.
He did it.
He conquered his FOPP.
And let me tell you,
from that point on,
he was in SUCH a good mood.
Talking, smiling, laughing....
as happy as a lark.