Busted Face(book) Status.

One of the things I have been getting used to, as a newlywed, is sharing a bed.  I always worried about how my sleeping habits would work out when I had to share a bed.  When I sleep, I am usually in the "mid-jumping jack position" that takes up the whole bed(aka: a bed hog)...or I am a very toasty human taco (aka: a blanket hog)...most of the time I am both of those put together.  I was really hoping that once I got married, my sleeping habits would magically disappear. That's a big negative.  I have woken up to a freezing husband who is half way hanging off of the bed, many times. Bless his heart...and he is so sweet about it.  I wish he would wake me up and tell me to scoot over or that he needs some covers but, instead, he just deals with it.
A couple of mornings ago, my sleeping skills got even worse...
I guess I was stretching...in my sleep...and forgot that I wasn't the only one in the bed...and I punched Tyler right in the nose.  (Tyler swears that right before I punched him,that I felt for his nose....so he is pretty much telling me that I felt and aimed for his nose..pshh.) My poor husband woke up to his wife punching him in the nose.  It was a hard punch, too.  I woke up, not only because Tyler said "OH MY GOSH!!!?!," but because my hand really hurt.  I think I apologized a million times. He laughed about it, but I felt terrible. 

I felt terrible until two mornings later...

Two mornings later, I was snoozing like a baby. And being the bed hog that I am, my head ended up on half of Tyler's pillow.  While my head was still on his pillow, he decided he was going to turn over.  Unfortunately, my head just happened to be in the exact place that Tyler's head was going to be once he turned over.  BAM!  His big 'ole head crushed my eye socket.  I immediately woke up, crying and saying, "Tyler oh my gosh, my eye, my eye!" He was horrified.  I don't remember exactly what he was saying, but I do know that he laid his hand on my eye and was speaking Jesus' healing power on it! He was probably saying something like, "Oh Jesus, I think I just gave my wife a black eye...please, please, PLEASE, heal her black eye before her family sees it...they're going to think I beat her...oh Jesus, PLEASE!"  After my eye stopped throbbing, I laughed for about five minutes straight and told Tyler I didn't expect him to pay me back for the nose punch, but that I guess we were even. Our poor faces!
Thankfully, I didn't get a black eye, just a bruised eyebrow hahah.

One more story.

I updated my Facebook status the other day to something like, "Sometimes the biggest events in your life happen when/where you lease expect them to."  About ten minutes later, my phone rings.  It was my mom.  This was our conversation:
Me- Hello?
Mom- Grace, what is up with your Facebook status?
Me- What do you mean?
Mom- Your mamaw just called me and asked if you were pregnant.
Me- WHAT? Why?
Mom- She said she read your status and thought it had a hidden meaning...but I told her that surely if you were pregnant, you would have told me...I hope, anyway....sooo? 
Me- Mom. I was talking about Florida...when I met Tyler. 
Mom- So you're not pregnant?
Me- No, mom.
Mom- *silence*......well crap.
After our conversation, I immediately deleted that status :)

What I have learned from this: 1. Being a bed hog is DANGEROUS! It's not only dangerous for the other person in the bed, but it's also dangerous for you! For your safety, if you are a bed hog, fix it before you get married!  2. If you are newly married, and your mom isn't a grandma yet, but you know that she REALLY wants to be one....don't update your Facebook status unless you, first, make sure it can't also be read as, "hey guys, I'm pregnant...but I'm not going to come out and say it...I'm going to write a clever status to make you all wonder!"


Pop goes the ankle!

Tyler is beyond tired of the Emergency Room.  In the last 30 days, he has been to the ER twice, and called 911 once.  Before this month, he had been to the ER maybe once in his life....and to my knowledge he has never called 911.
The first time we went to the ER, he was super sick with that sinus infection.
The second time was last night. I'll tell you why, later.

So why did he call 911?
About 2 weeks ago, it was around 5 a.m. and I was sound asleep.
All of a sudden I woke up to Tyler's alarm going off and him tapping my shoulder and holding his phone an inch from my face.
We were both half asleep when we had the following conversation:
Me- "hmm?"
T-"Hey Autumn..hey...hey Autumn...hey"
Me-"Why is your phone in my face?"
T-"What is it doing?"
Me- "What do you mean?"
T- "What's my phone doing...what does that picture mean?"
Me- "It's ringing......you're calling someone Tyler...and that picture looks like a first aid symbol...I think you're calling 911."
T- "No I'm not.....no...no I'm not..."
Tyler then started to push every button on his phone and lay it down. We went back to sleep.
Maybe 5 minutes later, we woke up to his phone ringing.
(half asleep...again:)
Tyler- Why is someone calling me? It's like 5 o'clock...
Me- I bet it's 911 calling back.
Tyler- It is not, Autumn, I didn't call 911.
He jumped out of bed (I still have no idea why he jumped out of bed) and answered the phone.
Hello?.....What?.....Huh?....Huh?....Oh..That was a mistake. Sorry. Everything's fine.
Me- who was it? 
Tyler-.....Greenbrier County Emergency Services or something.....
Me- You mean 911?
Tyler- yeah...
We remembered this incident around 2 that afternoon.  We figured out that, somehow, when Tyler was trying to turn off his alarm (in his sleep), he hit the "emergency call button" by mistake.

Now, why did we have to go to the ER last night?
The guys in our church started playing basketball every Monday night.  It's for guys only, so I normally just stay at home.  Last night, I decided to go and watch. I was the only girl there. They broke up into 3 teams and started playing.  Two teams would play and the winner of those teams would play the loser of the last game, etc, etc.  While I was watching Tyler play, my brother (he was on the team who wasn't playing at the moment) came up in the bleachers to talk to me.  While talking, I look down at the court just in time to see Tyler dive for a ball and hit the wall. I immediately zoned in to examine the situation....I was trying really hard to NOT be the scared little wife who runs down and embarrasses her husband.  After watching him for a few seconds from the bleachers, I watched Tyler get up and start playing like nothing ever happened. WHEW. Thank goodness he's ok, I thought. Good job, Autumn, good job.
I started talking again and my brother looked down at the court and said "oh no." What? What? I proceeded to also look down at the court and see all of the guys standing around one guy who was laying in the floor. Where's Tyler?? OMG. HE'S THE ONE ON THE FLOOR.  This is what was going through my mind--OMG OMG OMG!!!....I want to go down there. Should I go? Wait. Wait Autumn..hold on....you don't want to embarrass him...OMG! I have to go down there! He's been on the ground for like 30 seconds..OMG. Yeah, I'm going. OMG! So I run down the bleachers to my husband. This is what is going through my mind as I was running down the bleachers: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG..don't fall.. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OH EM GEE OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have NEVER been so scared. I hadn't seen what happened, I just saw him on the floor. It was awful! I was terrified that he hit his head and that I was going to see blood. When I got to him I was relieved to see no blood.  What happened?? The guys told me they heard his ankle pop. I knew that for Tyler to be staying in the floor, he was hurt.  I felt around on his ankle and when I got an "OOOH" from him, saw that his ankle was starting to swell, and saw that he couldn't put any weight on it,  I decided I was going to take him to get an x-ray.  I'm not an expert in orthopedics, and in nursing school I learned that when in doubt, get an x-ray.  So that's how we ended up in the ER the second time.  He didn't break any bones, thank goodness, but he sure did a number on it. He has a knot on his ankle the size of a tennis ball.  They put him on crutches and air casted him. 

On a side note, when we were on our way to the ER, I asked if I had embarrassed him by running down there.  And to my surprise, he said "Heck no, the first thing I thought when I was on the floor was 'Thank goodness Autumn is here'.....Why didn't you come down there faster than you did???"

What I've learned from this:  1. If you have a lock on your phone, be careful when you are trying to unlock it in your sleep...(especially if you have a touch screen) because the "emergency call" button is RIGHT below it  2. If you do hit the "emergency call" button and hang up, they will call you back   3. It's perfectly ok to be the "scared little wife":) 4. If your husband hurts himself while playing basketball with guys from church...he will ask you if he cussed when he got hurt...just tell him he didn't...it will make him feel better:)


Love and Loogies

According to urban dictionary, the definition of a "loogie" is as follows: "A large slimy glob of spit, mixed with nose snot, that is formed by coughing up and hocking whats in your throat."Gross.

In my opinion, that definition is the most disgusting definition in the world.  I saw and had to do a lot of things during LPN school that most people would refer to as "gross". I've heard people say that to be a nurse, you have to have a strong stomach..but the truth is, if nurses are honest, most will admit that they have one specific thing that turns their stomach. You guessed it! My one specific thing is sputum... aka: snot

Before I continue, I feel like I should warn you that if you have a weak stomach, you may not want to continue reading.  However, if you do continue reading, you may laugh, you may say "gross," and
you may also not be able to look at me without thinking about these stories.

My husband and I have been plagued with, what I refer to as, "the crud" for  about a month now.  Tyler was sick the first 3 weeks.  He ended up in an urgent care clinic and the ER with a nasty sinus infection, had to take antibiotic, have a butt shot, had an allergic reaction to the antibiotic, had another butt shot, and had to take steroids for the allergic reaction.  He is now fully recovered from his crud...and now I have a form of crud.  Thankfully it's not as bad as Tyler's. As you can imagine, we have used a lot of tissues throughout this ordeal.  Snot has become a pretty permanent resident in our home.  Our new occupant has given us the 2 stories that I am now going to share with you.

Tyler was extremely sick.  I had never seen him so sick.  I was trying to think of anything that could potentially give him some relief.  One of the things that I told him to do was take a hot shower.  The steam breaks up the snot and temporarily relieves some of the sinus pressure.  He agreed to try it and afterward he talked about how much it helped.  He took 2 hot showers in a row.  Later that day, I took a shower and got ready to go to the store to get him some things.  As I was getting my coat on, I told Tyler I would be right back.  He said he was going to take another hot shower.  I'm so glad that's giving you some relief, babe.  In the most pitiful voice, he said, "It just feels so good to blow all that snot out while I'm in the shower.".........................blow all that snot out in the shower?? I know he didn't use tissues while he was in there....eeeeeew.  Autumn, you just took a shower with a tub full of snot! OMG.  I'm going to vomit.  Sick, sick, sick!!!  But Tyler feels miserable....you can't say anything to him to make him feel bad. So, I hugged him and said, good babe. I didn't say anything to Tyler about how grossed out I was...but from that point on, I did start cleaning the shower before I used it.
Finding out that you took a shower after your husband blew his nose all over it...and not complaining about it?....that's love, I thought.  That's true love.

I found out 3 nights ago that my love for my husband doesn't even compare with his love for me.  Here's the other story.
I felt miserable that night.  I was laying on the couch, had a box of tissues beside me, and a bag of used tissues in the floor.  I decided to dope myself up.  I laid back down on the couch, and while I was dozing off, Tyler asked me what he could do to make me feel better.  Just lay beside me and hug me, I said.  So that's what he did.  I don't remember anything I'm about to tell you....all of the following information is from Tyler.  I had been asleep for about an hour when he started to fall asleep.  I started coughing.  He was still in the early stages of sleep when all of a sudden he felt a warm sensation on his neck.  He immediately knew what it was.  Yes, during my coughing spell, I apparently coughed up a large loogie onto my husband's neck.  EWWW.  He didn't even tell me about this until the next day! Babe....are you serious????? I am SO SORRY! That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard! I'm so embarrassed! WHY didn't you wake me up?!? What did you do? Well, he replied, I got up as quietly as I could, went to the bathroom, changed my shirt, washed my neck off, laid back down with you, and about an hour later, tucked you into bed.  Tyler.....did you not think that was gross? Well DUH! Of course I thought it was gross....it was the most disgusting thing ever...but I knew you felt bad and I didn't want to wake you up.
I don't even know what else to say here, I mean, if he had coughed up a loogie on my neck.....I'm pretty positive I would have not been as gentle and loving as he was.  I would have probably woken him up by gagging....and if he wasn't awake after the gagging, he would have definitely woken up to the sounds of me running to the bathroom and puking.  Also, I probably would have thrown in "Tyler, OMG, that is so gross!!!!!!!" somewhere in between...
Me not complaining about his snot incident.....that doesn't even compare to him not complaining about my snot incident.  Seriously.  THAT'S love.  THAT'S true love.

What I have learned from  this:  1. I already knew, but this has confirmed, that Tyler is the most patient person I have ever met; 2. I have no right to EVER, EVER....EVER fuss or complain about ANYTHING Tyler does;  3. I sure don't deserve my awesome husband....but I'm extremely glad I have him!


For richer or poorer...or no tax return.

Before you get married, people tell you a lot of things about marriage and give you a lot of advice.  I discovered something the other day that everyone failed to mention...

As we all know, it's tax time! You know, the time of year when you hear people talking about what they are going to buy with all of the money they are going to get back.  A lot of people look forward to this time of year.  I, however, have never enjoyed it.  Why? Because for the past 6 years, I always checked the wrong box on my W2 form, and at the end of the year I would end up having to PAY money instead of getting any back!  Did no one ever tell her which box to check? Yes, of course they did...but for whatever reason, I always got mixed up.  Anyway, this past year, when I filled out my W2 form, I MADE SURE I checked the correct box.  I was excited from then on.  I was actually going to get money back this year!! And from what people had told me, in WV, you usually get most of your federal and state taxes back! HECK YES! ....but those people forgot one teeny tiny detail.  I found this detail out for myself.  I'll share it with you shortly:)

I eagerly awaited my W2 to come in the mail.  I mean, who doesn't get excited about extra money?  Then Tyler came home one day with his W2.  Oh! That's right! We're married! Doesn't that mean we will file together?? (Yes, if you're married anytime before December 31st, you file as married.) Doesn't that mean we will get even more money back??  I asked Tyler if he normally got a return, and he said he always got a ton of money back, SCORE!

As soon as I had both of the W2s in my possession, I asked my mom to help me file them.  (My mom always does our taxes.  She has some special program on her computer.)  I was so excited I could hardly contain myself.  I slowly filled out the information, making sure not to make a mistake.  I came to the "how are you filing" question.  There were 2 married options.  The first was "married filing jointly" and the second was "married filing separately."  I picked the first option. The joint one.  I finished all of the information and it started calculating our return. No...that couldn't possibly be right. No way.  $100.  I must have done something wrong. Oh I know, I bet I needed to pick the "married filing separately" option! So I went back, checked that one, and waited for it to recalculate. Wait.....WHAT!? No......This time it said we OWED $2100! That is not my idea of rollin' in the dough.  I decided not to file yet.  I'll just call a local tax place tomorrow.  Because, there was no way....something had to be wrong.

When I called the next day, I explained my anguish.  What was the reply?  "Did you just get married?" umm...yes. But what does that have to do with anything?  "Well, when you get married, you usually don't get any money back."  Oh...ok...well, thanks for your help. "Oh. BUT WAIT, before you get too discouraged sweetie, if you have a baby this year, you can get an automatic $1,600 dollars back next year!" Did she just tell me to have a baby for money? Yes. Yes she did. Would you think I was a bad person if I told you that I hung up the phone right then?
This situation makes no sense to me TAX RULE MAKERS! Single people get a good amount of money back (as long as they check the right box) but POOR NEWLYWEDS get NOTHING??!?!

So to the couples getting ready to get married, when you file your taxes the first time, you may get enough money back for a nice dinner out :) Unless you have a baby or buy a house before December 31st of the year you get married! (Maybe each state is different?)

What I have learned from this:  1. The real world has a lot of stinky rules.. 2. The phrase,"Don't count your chickens before they hatch" makes a lot more sense now... 3. I would rather be married than get a tax return :)