I'm a bad friend.

I'm a bad friend.
I used to be a good friend.
The text all day, talk all night, drop everything friend.

You texted, I replied.
You called, I answered.
Want to grab dinner tonight? Sure!

Then something happened.
I got married.
And I felt something change inside of me.
My desire for that kind of friendship, the drop everything kind, it wasn't a desire anymore.
My new desire was to spend (the majority of) my free time with my husband.

At first I thought it was temporary.
I thought it was just the "newness" of married life.
I thought things would eventually go back to normal.
But as time passed, I realized that the desire (to spend my free time with my husband) was my new normal.
I married my best friend.

You texted, I replied 80% of the time.
You called, I answered some...but you usually got my voicemail.
Dinner tonight? How about dinner a week from Saturday.

Then something happened.
I had a baby.
And once again, something changed.
My new desire was to spend (the majority of) my free time with the little family we created.

You texted, I replied 5 hours later.
You called, it went straight to voicemail.
Dinner tonight? How about dinner a week from Saturday...as long as the baby isn't sleeping, or teething, and as long as I wasn't up with her all night. Oh, and as long as I am able to take a shower (haven't had one of those for a few days).

You tried to understand. I know you tried. But I could tell you were frustrated.
You thought I stopped caring about you. You felt like you weren't important.
I cried. A lot.
I cried because I knew that, even though you tried, you didn't understand.  It wasn't your fault. You just couldn't. I didn't understand until I was here.

My heart hurt because I knew you were hurting.
I wanted to apologize.

But the thing is, I'm not sorry.

I'm happy. Happy that I didn't marry just anyone.  I married the love of my life.  My best friend. Someone I want to spend all my days with. All my time with. Someone I would rather watch movies at home (in our pajamas, eating Chinese takeout) with, instead of going out.
Happy that we had a baby, and then another baby. Babies that are, in reality, my tiny best friends.
Babies that unlocked a love that I can't even begin to explain.

We're in different seasons.

I'm me.
I'm the same friend.
I care about you.
I love you.
But I'm not just a friend anymore.
I'm also a wife and a mommy.
I have a husband and two babies who are the loves of my life.
They deserve the majority of my time and attention;
and I can't give you as much of myself as I used to.

I know that, right now, you think I'm a bad friend.
But I pray that, one day, you'll marry your best friend and that you'll have tiny best friends.
I pray that you'll want to spend the majority of your free time with them.
I pray that you'll get to experience this kind of happiness and love.
I pray that you'll understand completely.

That, one day, you'll be a bad friend too.

PS. I already understand.


Anonymous said...

You have described what I've felt for years so perfectly. I lost many friends when I became a parent. My husband and I were the first of our group to have children and no one understood why we couldn't go out at 10:00 on a Saturday night anymore or why we couldn't meet for dinner with an hours notice. It was frustrating and upsetting but eventually a few of them had families of their own and finally understood why things had changed for us so much.

Shayla said...

Yesssss....this is so accurate! I am a bad friend too! Except my other thing to do outside spending 95% of my "free" time with my family is SLEEPING! Lol