7.10.2013

diaries of a mad pregnant woman

When you're super pregnant,
your doctor makes you do a nice little ditty called a "1 hour glucose test."

It goes something like this:
Oh hey! You can't eat or drink ANYTHING from the time you get up in the morning,
until the test is finished.
So now you're pregnant and starving.
HAHAHA.
But don't worry, we're going to give you a cocktail.
It's called orange syrup. 100% straight up sugar.
You have to drink the whole bottle.
THEN we will take your blood 1 hour later.
AND CHECK YOUR SUGAR.
If your sugar level is normal, you win.
If it's high, you LOSE.

If you win, you can skip happily into a field of wildflowers. 
If you lose.....oh, if you lose, do we have a surprise for you.
It's called a 3 hour glucose test! 
Are you excited!?

The 3 hour test goes a little something like this:
Hi again! You can't eat ANYTHING from 11pm the night before the test,
until the test is finished.
So now you're pregnant, starving.....and angry.















As soon as you come in,
we're going to take your blood (1).
If your sugar level is high, you lose, and you now have gestational diabetes. 
You can't eat sweets until the baby is born.
If your sugar level is normal, you lose, and now we give you a super-sized cocktail.
DRINK IT IN 5 MINUTES OR LESS.
OH, AND DON'T VOMIT.
When you're finished drinking the cocktail,
you will wait for an hour.
You still can't eat/drink.
Your hangry state will increase.
We take your blood again (2).
You will wait another hour.
STILL NO FOOD.
HANGRY.
We take your blood again (3).
You need to vomit?
If you do, you'll have to start all over.
SWALLOW IT.
Wait one more hour.
You are now starving to death. Do you have a last will and testament?
HANGRY.
And we'll take your blood one last time.

If all of the sugar levels are normal- you WIN!
If just one of them isn't normal- you LOSE..and you have gestational diabetes. You just went through 3 hours of hangry-ness, swallowing yarf, and 4 needle sticks for nothing. You suck.

In case you haven't already guessed,
I failed the 1 hour test a couple of weeks ago.
And it may or may not have been because I caved and ate a fruit and yogurt parfait before the test.
I was for sure that my healthy little pancreas would keep the secret and take care of it...
but my little pancreas turned out to be a ginormous blabber mouth.

I'm currently in the middle of the 3 hour test.
I'm waiting for stick #3. 
I almost puked up my guts during the last stick.
Not because of the stick...
but because the woman sticking me had dorito breath and dorito debris in her mustache.
Yes I said she had a mustache.
Don't judge me.
I'm hangry.
 
I hope y'all have a fabulous day!
And please know that even though this whole glucose test thing is annoying,
I am SO incredibly thankful to be pregnant! I'm just a little hormonal and hangry ;)

7 comments:

Amanda said...

Hahahahha!! This is hilarious (from the outside looking in) I hope you pass, pretty!!! Your baby girl is beautiful

Chloe said...

I failed the first time too. I feel your pain. And my testing place was right beside a McDonald's. I about died.

Whitney Leigh said...

I can't handle this.

who wants to let me adopt their kid? anyone?

RitaMarie said...

Oh My Gosh. Not looking forward to this!

Can't wait to get pregnant, but this is scary! :) I like to eat. A lot. And have the occasional random sweet as it is... I can't imagine being pregnant, hungry, and denied.

Rekita Nicole said...

lol at this post, I just did my one hour Monday, and I failed...but at soon as it was over I went straight to Popeyes...I felt like i was going to faint. But you had me cracking me up!

Emily said...

That's sucky! Hope you are able to pass!

LaynahRose said...

Holy Hannah that sounds miserable. I'm on the verge of hangry and I just ate a half hour ago!