Monthly Visit

It's time to talk about "girl stuff."

You know,

the visit we get from a so called "aunt" who enjoys drop kicking our ovaries every month.

She gives you a hormone cocktail,

then she tricks you into thinking that eating 2 whole boxes of hot tamales and 10 pieces of Dove chocolate is a good idea.

Liar!

For a few days, 

you morph into a creature...

that cries over nothing, 

eats everything in sight,

and growls after every sentence,

I am perfectly aware of these things,

...but I didn't think my husband was.

I thought I covered it up around him.

I thought that even during "the visit"

 I was still a sweet, kissy kissy, snugly, loving, precious wife.

I was wrong.

Apparently, during this time, he fears for his life.

Here are some examples:

On the way home from Tennessee on Monday, 

he actually agreed when I told him I wanted to drive some.

I thought he agreed because he wanted a break.

In reality, he agreed because he could tell it was that time
and he didn't want to upset me.

While I was driving, 

 I had some pretty intense road rage.

I  passed an orange road work sign that said the left lane was going to end in 2 miles and that all traffic needed to get into the right lane.

So I did.

I got into the right lane.

But there were some other vehicles that decided to stay in the left lane, 

pass everyone in the right lane, 

and then zip in front of them at the last minute.

That got under my skin.

I decided I was NOT going to let those left laners zip in front of me.

I was going to nonchalantly stay on the bumper of the car ahead of me.

That'll show em!

So that's what I did.

Or...

what I thought I did.

After about 3 drivers in the left lane flipped us the bird,

Tyler told me that I was not being nonchalant and that he felt like he needed to make a sign that said,

 "So sorry, my wife is on her period"

 and hold it out his window.
I whipped my head around and said,
AND WHY DO YOU THINK I'M ON MY PERIOD?!
he just looked at me for a few seconds and whispered,
because you are scary?...
Apparently, every time the car in front of me would move forward,

I would rev my engine, make a hateful face and look over at the left laners.

Today, we were having (what I thought was) a normal conversation.

At one point I said I was hungry.

 His response was,

"I figured you would be full since you have been biting my head off."

"What is wrong with you," "do you really hate my guts or is it just your hormones,"  and "who are you" have been frequently asked questions from Tyler for the past 3 days.
Poor guy.

When you are married, you can't hide anything..even if you try.

They should change "in good times and in bad" to "in good times and in PMS."

:)

And yes, I drew that.
I know you're impressed.

Happy Wednesday!

1,2,3 day weekend!

IT'S FRIDAY!!!!!!

AND IT'S A 3 DAY WEEKEND!

(I hope you all have a 3 day weekend!)

IT'S ALSO FUR BABY FRIDAY!

AND WE ARE CURRENTLY ON OUR WAY TO PIGEON FORGE, TN!

Sorry about the caps.

I actually just got on my own nerves.

I apologize.

Really..

So first thing's first.

Fur Baby Friday with Mrs. Monologues.
Last Saturday,
we were on our way to a flea market and I told BayLee to "smile" for the camera.
Obviously, I expected to turn my phone around and see me smiling and BayLee looking out the window.
I was shocked/creeped out/not really surprised when I saw this instead..

Um....
I'm pretty sure that's a smile.
I KNEW he was human.
I knew it.

We are currently on the road to Pigeon Forge.Tyler's parents rented a cabin and we are spending the weekend with them.I AM SO EXCITED!I love trips.But I don't love packing. I called Tyler from work earlier today and asked him if he had packed.He said yes.When I got home, I started getting my bag together because I always wait til the last minute. Thankfully I decided to look at what Tyler had packed.His bag contained 1 pair of boxers and 1 pair of socks....I'm not sure what he was thinking...I guess he was planning on wearing nothing except that one pair of underwear and socks all weekend?New York already has a Naked Cowboy.West Virginia (or Tennessee) doesn't need a Naked Mountain Man.I decided to help him out.He might be disappointed,but he will not be recycling underwear this weekend.And he will be fully clothed.What did he do without me? I hope everyone has a blast the next 3 days! I also wish you could see us right now.2 words:dance. party.hahaha. 

Ol' Idol

American Idol.

It has been one of my guilty pleasures for 11 years now.

Yes, I have watched every season.

The season 11 finale was on tonight.

Of course I watched it.

And I would like to share some of my favorite highlights.

Some things that made me laugh.  

Because those are the things I remember.

First of all...

HOLY BODY SUITS.

I saw enough body suits to last the rest of my life.

The mental images have been burned in my mind and will be with me forever.

I don't want to see anyone in a body suit ever again.

Oh Fantasia and Chaka Khan...

I have one simple question for both of you.

Why?

Why did you do that?

You both can sing your guts out.

You have amazing voices.

And I thoroughly enjoyed your performances,

when I closed my eyes.

No, I'm not talking about their size.

No one should wear a body suit unless they are surfing or scuba diving.

Size doesn't matter.

Because the truth is this:

Even skinny girls have crevasses...

And those crevasses shouldn't be exposed unless they are necked.

Yes necked. Not naked. Necked.

Next,

At one point, there was a trombone player.

I felt sorry for her.

She had a little sexy black dress on,

 it had a skinny v-neck that went down to her belly button.

It was actually pretty and tasteful.

But the sexiness was overshadowed by the large metal horn.

Poor girl.

I guess sexy doesn't go along with the trombone.

 Then,

Ryan was introducing Jessica Sanchez.

I was excited because it sounded like she was going to be singing with Jennifer Hudson. 

Instead, 

she sang with Jennifer Holiday.

Of course, that Jennifer could sing, too.

But I was nervous during the entire performance...

because I was afraid she was going to eat Jessica's face.

It was scary.

 They zoomed in on J. Lo's face when they were singing, 

and even she looked concerned.

 Fortunately,

Jessica made it out alive.

I'm glad Philip won.

He was my favorite.

Season 11,

thanks for 39 episodes.

I willingly gave you about 78 hours of my life, total.

That's a little over 3 days.

Oh my.

Did you watch Idol tonight???

Peep Please!

Ok friends.

Today I am linking up with Jes and Crystal for Peep Please!

This week, we are showing the inside of our refrigerators to the world...
this could get scary.
It will get scary.
You've been warned.
Before I bare the insides of my fridge,
I want you to promise that you won't judge me.
 Okay.
Time for a peep show!
Are you ready?

Here is our fridge.

Yes, that is my dryer to the right.

(When I say our house is "cozy," I'm not just being lovey dovey.)

And you are correct, that is a partially dead tulip on top of it.

Before we go to the inside,

let's take a closer look of the outside.

Here is the top.

It is the home of my lettuce spinner, glass cake holder, a blender, mixing bowl, George Forman Grill, and mini muffin maker.

The freezer door.

Complete with a picture of us, pictures of 2 of our nieces, a list of birthdays and anniversaries for Tyler's family (so I can tell him when his parent's and brother's birthdays are), a calendar for church nursery (my eye just twitched), and Stephanie Qualls' save-the-date magnet.

Hey Stephanie!

Thanks for the magnet:)

The refrigerator door.

This is where Tyler puts his work schedule.

And what is that to the left?

I have no idea where these little magnetic balls came from.

All I know is that my brother thinks it's hilarious to make "man parts" with them.

I used to mess his works of art up.

But now I just leave them.

I've just accepted the fact that my refrigerator is male.

Bam.

Here is the top shelf.

Roast beef, hot dog buns, a can of Progresso soup with a plastic baggie on top, jello, cheese salsa, and the corner of my iced coffee.

And the drawer is filled with cheese.

Lots of cheese.

We love cheese.

Oh, and there's hot dogs in there, too.

Second shelf.

milk, bagels, onion buns, onion, hamburger buns, Kraft chicken seasoning, a jug of salsa, and old, wrinkled grape tomatoes.

Third shelf.

Gingerale, a large burp-less cucumber (yes. burp-less), bread, and eggs.

Crispers.

All I can see is lettuce, apples, tortillas, aaaaand....

That bag looks suspicious.

A very old pear?

Want to know something funny..

I just closed the crisper after I took this picture.

Inside of the refrigerator door.

The condiment throne.

I spy some sour cream.

I've had bad experiences with sour cream.

I've also had bad experiences with cream cheese.

I decided to open my sour cream to see if I could explain my bad experiences.

Yes, I will be able to explain.

It looks semi normal from here...

But it IS NOT NORMAL.

For some reason sour cream and cream cheese like to grow straight up fungus while they are in my fridge.  

EW.

I have seen this so many times...

about 2 weeks after I buy them..

and I have no idea why.

Sometimes I have nightmares about it.

I'm pretty sure it has it's own heartbeat.

Freezer.

Ice trays, a 10 month old beef roast, bread, corn dogs, microwave rice..

Oh, and Tyler told me not to forget his four Rainbow Trout that he caught 8 months ago.
Hey fishies...
Sorry about your current living situation.

And last but not least, 

the freezer door.

Complete with hot pockets and freezer burned, half used hash browns.

And I'm not sure what that is in the corner.

There you have it.

My refrigerator, 

inside and out.

Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the fungus infested sour cream with the heart beat bite.

Jacob

I'm being emotional

This post is about my brother.

He just finished up his Junior year of high school.

That absolutely blows my mind.
My baby brother is going to be a Senior.
Crazy.

I wanted a baby brother as far back as I can remember.

When I was 5 years old, I shut my parents in a closet and said,

"I want a brother. Don't come out until I have one."

They must have listened to me,

because less than 1 year later, my wish came true.

I had my brother.

I will never be able to express how thankful I am for him.

There are 5 years and 10 months between us...

Since I am the older sibling,

I should be his protector, right?

Wrong.

He has been my protector since he was 6 years old.

That's when I started getting sick.

He has been beside me through everything.

Right beside me.

Holding my hand, feeding me ice chips, crying with me, praying with me...

He never left my side.

Sometimes I feel guilty,
because I'm afraid my sickness took away his childhood.

My first surgery, in 2005, was the day before his 10th birthday.

He spent his birthday in the hospital with me.

He always felt like he had to be so strong.

When I found out the cancer was back, in 2009, I wanted my little brother.

We cried for hours.

I don't know what I would have done without him.

I don't think I would have been nearly as strong.

I don't think I would have fought as hard.

God knew I needed my brother.

I don't know if any of that made any sense.

It makes sense to me.

And I know it would make sense to him.

Anyway.

My brother.

Is awesome.

I love him.

The "B" word.

Today I am going to talk about the "B" word.

A word that makes me cringe.

A word that I have developed extreme hatred towards.

BILLS.

Gag.

I don't like bills and they sure don't like me.

I never had to pay bills until I got married...

so it is a whole new world for me.

You know, the grown up world.

For some reason, I have willingly adopted the responsibility of remembering to pay them.
I guess I wanted to be "super wife" and try to do everything...
except the dishes.

But here's the problem.

My memory is horrible.

And I am 99.999% positive that I have undiagnosed ADHD.

 I forget to pay the bills.

I usually remember on time, but sometimes I don't.

I've tried everything.

Alarms on my phone, a pocket calendar, a big wipe off calender.

I pay all of our bills online...

It's supposed to be easier, right?

Wrong.

  I will get the computer to pay a bill, 

but instead, I'm like ooooo facebook, blogs, pintrest, google...

I completely forget about paying the bill.

I will remember (the next day) that I needed to pay a bill the day before.

Then I have a spaz attack because I am afraid that I am going to ruin our credit.

My husband, the banker, assures me that being one day won't hurt anything,

but it still freaks me out.

I also get angry because I have to pay a late fee.

I'm afraid that if I continue to be the bill payer, we will eventually have a credit score of "0."

Maybe he will trade dishwasher for bill payer?

The thought of washing dishes makes me want to vomit..

but I think it is pretty necessary for this swap to happen.

Because one day, I want to buy a house...

and I'm sure I will need/want to trade our cars at some point.

Both of those things require good credit scores.

I don't want to be the reason we have to live in a single person tent and ride bicycles to work.

I don't like you, bills, I don't like you one bit.

Because of you, I am going to have to develop a relationship with the dishes.

Story Time!

Because I love you all,
I'm showing you something that NO ONE

(besides family)

has seen.

 I thought this picture was lost forever.
But, yesterday, it was found.
I can't look at it without laughing.



If it hadn't been for my mom, 

I, quite possibly, would be serving my 6th year of a life sentence.

Why?

Because one time, my face looked like this..

...and I was severely ticked off .
Not only was I upset,
but I was also thoroughly doped up.
In case you didn't know,
those two things don't work well together.
 The outcome is not very pleasant.

So what's up with my face?
I had an allergic reaction to the surgical tape they used on my face during surgery.
We knew that I was allergic to a certain type of adhesive on tape.
And we told the surgeon before my surgery.
Currently, I know and understand that everyone makes mistakes,
and I know that whoever put that specific tape on my face wasn't doing it intentionally.
But at the time of this picture....
I didn't understand that.
Nope.
Right after my mom took this,
I opened my eyes and said..

Mom. Go find the person who did this to me....
and bring me a knife.
Autumn, why?
Because I'm going to kill them.

Thankfully, she didn't do what I asked.
That person is still alive.
And I am not in jail.
Thanks mom!


Isn't this the most attractive picture you've ever seen?
I mean, seriously.
I don't know why I was upset.
I have geisha lips, and I didn't even have to use makeup.

I also could have been in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

And I got a face peel for free..

since it had stretched so much, after it went back to normal, my face flaked off for about a month.

  Tyler saw this picture for the first time, yesterday.
All he could say was,
....gahhhh......


Just in case my scary, blimp face, geisha lip picture is still engraved in your mind,
here is our newest family picture!

 Happy Thursday!
Now that you know that story,
Will you still be my friend?
:)

My Tuesday

Today has been a LONG day.

I just got home from an MRI/oncology appointment.

I've been passing out a lot, lately.

So they wanted to check my brain.

My oncologist said my brain was "beautiful."

I'll take it!

God is so awesome!

Still not sure why I'm passing out.

No. There is not a bun in my oven.

I'm also not anemic or dehydrated.

Maybe I'm just weird.

 

The hospital that I go to for my doctor's appointments is 2 hours away.

It's a fairly large city.

And it has A LOT of shopping opportunities.

Since I come from a town with a population of like, 1500, and ZERO clothing stores, 

we couldn't come home without a little retail therapy.

Guess what one of my main purchases was.

Hot. Pink. Jeans.

Yes!

I have been wanting a pair for months,

and I finally did it.

I love them, but Tyler isn't completely convinced, yet.

I'll post a picture when I wear them.

Before I go to bed, I want to share something with you that will change your life forever.

International Delight Iced Coffee.

I discovered this delicious perfection about a week ago...

and I have already gone through one of each flavor.

All three flavors are amazing.

And I am addicted.

More than addicted.

I could drink it all day, every day.

You NEED to try it.

You're welcome.

I hope everyone had a great day!

 

Crusty Rhino Butt

Soooo...

I told my husband that his breath smelled like crusty rhino butt, this morning.

Does that mean the honeymoon is over?
Or maybe, with time, comes 110% brutal honesty?

Let's get real.

Everyone has occasional rotten vomit breath...and rank morning breath.

You know, the "what the heck died in your mouth!?" kind.

Until this morning, I lovingly overlooked Tyler's occasional vomit breath...

I would offer a complimentary piece of gum or mint.

I also tried to avoid his mouth in the mornings.

(I brush my teeth as soon as I wake up, because I know mine doesn't smell fresh lilies, either.)

But this morning...

I rolled over in bed and was welcomed by a large waft of

...indescribable stench...

from his mouth.

The loving-ness was no where to be found.

And before I could stop myself, I said..

"OH MY GOSH....babe....your breath smells like....I don't even know..oh my gosh...it smells like crusty rhino butt.."

At least I said "babe"?

No, I've never sniffed a rhino's butt, nor have a sniffed a crusty rhino butt...

I assume it wouldn't be very pleasant.

Poor Tyler.

Hello 9 months and 1 week and 1 day of marriage.

Dishes

I admit, today, that I have a problem.

I usually forget to rinse out my dishes before I put them in the sink.

There has been a dish washer in my house since I was little, 

but the house Tyler and I live in doesn't have room for one.

You know what that means, right?

Hand washing the dishes.

Bleh.

I hate it.

When we got married, I told Tyler that I had never really hand washed dishes before.

He told me not to worry because he was a pro at it.

He said he would always wash them.

That was before he knew my problem.

Every time he washed the dishes he would call me into the kitchen.

Babe, hey, watch this..

He would proceed to put my dish under the faucet and rinse it out.

See? It's not that hard to rinse your dishes out.

I would smile and express my understanding, and assure him that I would wash them out from that point on.

Sadly, I couldn't break my habit.

Or maybe I could have.

Maybe I subconsciously decided not to because he continued to wash the dishes, regardless of my rinsing abilities.

But alas, about 2 months ago,

the day came when my husband said,

Autumn, it's your turn.

 What?

Nooooooooo.

And then, there was a strike.

Tyler didn't wash the dishes,

I didn't wash the dishes,

No one washed the dishes.

We were in a dish stand off for about a week.

Tyler wanted me to cave and wash the dishes

but I wanted him to cave first.

Finally, he caved.

I walked into the kitchen and he was standing in front of the sink.

He was moving all of the dishes to one side of the sink so he could fill the other side with soapy water.

I stood at a distance and watched quietly as I smiled.

He was moving the very last dish (my cereal bowl from 1 week prior) over,

and as it passed under his nose....

He began dry heaving, ran out the kitchen door....and continued the heaving.

Apparently the milk had curdled.

Regardless of how hard and how much I laughed,

I felt terrible.

After that, I willingly started washing the dishes.

I even rinsed mine out before I put them in the sink!

This went on for, well, it went on until 1 week ago.

Last week, we had another stand off.

And yesterday, I was the one who caved.

I caved because there was a funky smell coming from the sink.

So one by one, I moved all of the dishes to one side of the sink.

An upside down mixing bowl appeared to be the last dish to move over.

I picked the bowl up...

and I began to dry heave.

I'm dry heaving right now just thinking about it..

When I picked up the bowl, 

I found the source of the funk.

Apparently 1 week ago, I didn't finish all of my fruity pebbles.

And apparently I just sat the soggy pebbles and milk in the sink.

After 1 week of incubation (thanks to the mixing bowl)

The result was a green/white gelatin-like blob.

I would describe the smell as a cross between diarrhea, rotten milk, cat pee, and Tyler's farts.

I hate washing dishes,

but I hate finding unidentified smelly things in my sink and dry heaving, more.

Therefore, from now on, I will ALWAYS rinse my dishes before I put them in the sink.

Yes, Tyler, I said it.

Time

Tyler and I have been married for 9 months, now.

The closer we get to one year, the more I reminisce.

I think back to the first time I saw him, the first time we talked, our first date, and how much I missed him when we did long distance for 2 years.

It all seems like a dream now.

And that kind of scares me.

I thought our wedding day would never come, 

I wanted time to pass as quickly as it could...

and it did.

It flew by.

Now I want time to stand still.

I want to remember everything.

Every laugh, every smile, every tear, every hug, every kiss..

Time, please slow down.

BFR

Do you have baby fever?

Are you yearning for little bundle of joy?

That's me.

 I, however, have discovered a very good BFR (baby fever reducer).

Church nursery.

One Sunday.

That's all it takes.

One to two hours in there, and it will immediately reduce your fever.

Guaranteed.

Sure, they're adorable, but once you spend a few hours with them,

and find yourself completely covered (from head to toe) with unknown crustations..

-ex. snot, boogers, slimy cheeto spit, etc..-

the fever will miraculously disappear.

Forget the Tylenol.

One hundred and twenty minutes of listening to them cry and fight over an etch a sketch,

and you will be threatening your uterus.

Of course, this BFR is not permanent.

When one of the miniature people walk over to you, look at you with their big eyes, wrap their arms around your neck, rub their snotty little nose on your shoulder,  give you a crooked grin and say,

 "I wipe-ed my nose on your shirt,"

the crazy fever returns.

Such strange/perfect little creatures.

Popcorn.

I don't know about you,

but I think popcorn (mainly the the theater kind....) dripping in butter is

GLORIOUS.

I've always loved it.

For as long as I can remember, 

the soggy, buttery, salty, fluffy goodness has always tickled my fancy.

Something has happened, though.

A change has taken place in my body.

We went to the movies last night, and of course, I got popcorn.

My own popcorn.

No sharing!

I didn't just ask for butter...

I asked for EXTRA butter.

-cue singing angels-

 It was heavenly.

One buttery fluff by one buttery fluff, I consumed the whole bag.

I even sucked on the un-popped kernels that were on the bottom of my bag.

That's really nothing unusual.

I always do that.

Here is the new part...

I went to bed looking like this

(This is a normal size blow fish.)

and I woke up this morning, looking like this

(This is a miserable blow fish. This is what I look like, right now.)

I'm not joking.

My body officially hates me.

I've heard women talk about salt making them "bloated".....

My mom always said, You just wait, you just wait until your body starts changing.

I suppose my body is beginning to visit Old Woman Town...

the place where scary things happen.

The place where you go to sleep looking normal and wake up looking like a puffed up blow fish.

I'm not ready to live here.

Right now, my face is so swollen that I can barely see my eyeballs..

I just have little slits.
If Tyler looked at me right now, he would think I was typing in my sleep.

Do you have any scary stories to tell from Old Woman Town?

Bad Day.

Our internet has been messed up for the past 2 days. 

Yuck.

It's finally fixed, though!

Guess what I did yesterday?

I got up at 5AM and I was at the gym by 6AM.

Crazy huh?

I honestly can't remember the last time I went to the gym.

Every time I start, I go for 2 weeks and then stop.

I really want to stay motivated this time!

 I get a free membership through the clinic I work for, 

and I would be insane not to take advantage of it.

So I was at the gym at 6AM.

I worked out for about an hour and I started getting ready for work at 7.

I was ready at 8, and I headed to my car.

I tossed my duffel bag on my seat and proceeded to sit in front/ on top of it.

Why didn't I toss it in the back or in the passenger side seat? 

I'm not sure.

So I sat down and pulled the door shut.

The door didn't shut.

Why?

Because my knee was in the way!

How did I manage to get my knee in the hinge of my door and not realize it?

I don't know.

All I know is that I smashed the guts out of my knee.

It felt like hitting your funny bone multiplied by 1000.

I crouched down to intensely rub my knee as I said words that I needed to ask forgiveness for.

Rubbing (and language) didn't help AT ALL.

I didn't want to be late for work, so decided to suck it up.

I sat up and turned my car on.

At that moment, a sharp pain went from my knee cap, all the way to my thigh.

Everything went black, 

and I proceeded to start falling to the side.

I knew I was passing out, so I quickly put my seat all the way back and put my legs on top of the steering wheel.

I came back to the world around 8:15.

Yeah.
Then I headed to work.

I'm not sure how I did it, but I did it; and I probably couldn't do it again if I tried.

Yesterday wasn't a very good day.

I was going to go to the gym again this morning,

but yesterday was too traumatic.

I might go tomorrow.

Do you all have any exercise tips or good ways to stay motivated? 

Have you all ever smashed a body part in your car door?

I hope you have a great day; and I hope you don't smash any of your body parts in your car door!